Speaking with a therapist over a year ago the discussion turned to the subject of acceptance and guilt. More so, how I would begin the process of removing the guilt I held upon my shoulders and accept a new normal in my life. While I had been cautioned on occasions prior, the rising tumult wrought from hoarding guilt; this was the first time someone was telling me to simply 'accept' a new normal. It was foreign territory. I pushed through this particular therapy session and several more before a convenient schedule conflict helped me evade yet another series of failed personal counseling attempts. It seemed the one thing I was truly good at accepting was my mind would tolerate nothing, convenient or otherwise, a process to address what truly ails; nothing I was willing to work for honestly.
Whether family, friend, stranger, lover, alcohol, pill, or prayer I could not arrive at the magic intersection of 4th Guilt & West Acceptance. Nor do I seemingly have the patience as asked in the 27th Psalm. I simply felt I could not wait, as a looming fate descended upon me. Like a child contorting a cereal box of lucky charms or some hidden buried treasure I searched eyes wide shut like a Goonie trying to save my home; my quiet sanctuary of family and friends. But the inner peace and solitude I haphazardly believe exists in every social media portrayal of another or church-front billboard shouting solely to me, has thus far been elusive at best and often downright demoralizing.
I was a poor husband. Sucked at marriage. Unclear I even knew what being true to someone was even about. Because, as I now know, if there is no being true to even you, then what are you truly giving to another you claim to love? And at 29, I had not even begun to understand how to conceptualize the notion as a complete sentence with subject-verb agreement. Apologies made and accepted for dramatic, life-altering change, but could 'sorry's' really offer what was needed or deserved? How do you fix what's been done? Is there a universal judge who lays down the hammer to say the sentence has been commuted? Free to go for time served? I don't think it works this way.
Accept my new normal. Accept the pain and regret while turning toward tomorrow. Working ever so diligently at living in the mind-numbing, dizzying stillness of it all. This is what my life is. Doesn't mean the world has ended, doesn't mean the sun won't shine upon my face. The offer was to simply accept what is true in my life. Forcefully and unapologetically if need be. You will otherwise have to live with a darkening shadow of yourself which is uncompromisingly vigilant in ways you never want to know.
There is a stinging pain in guilt. It's valid, sure and unrelenting. No one can remove it from your midst, it's a job made for one. I find myself working days and nights at my job. I work hard everyday with no reward for overtime. I show up early, work late and even come in on holidays. My special projects are top rate. Employee of the month? I own every position on the plaque. The face changes, but the eyes remain the same. I need this to be my official resignation letter. I need to work for me now.