Sunday sermon (far from the pulpit of righteousness)
Parents and common sense disciples will enjoy this -
Now, let me preface this by saying I have thought long and hard about what I am about to say here (*no I didn't). Read it anyway.
If you ever want to watch a true Reality TV show, sit back and watch the morning drop-off routine of your neighborhood school. I admit this subject used to sound a bit strange to me as I rode a yellow projectile to school from age 5 to 16, so being dropped off to school by a parent or guardian never quite registered with me until I had children of my own and lived in a school district with no bus program. Alas, there are thousands of schools around the country that actually have a system whereby a parent or someone of consequence in the life of each child is responsible for getting them to school on time* (remember that for later.)
Now, if this sounds like something in your wheelhouse, please continue. If you find yourself in a situation where your child/children attend one of these particular institutions that is sans yellow people moving machines, some of this will certainly look and sound familiar.
It begins with a certain set of rules for the DROP. These rules are established by the school as set forth by the governing board of the school district and the patron Saint of safety and common sense. They are primarily basic in principle: Bring child/children from Point A (home) to Point B (school) by the agreed upon time - 0845 in the safest manner possible. BOOM! I stress safe because, well, they're our children and I want to believe we love them and wish for them to stick around and make us feel inadequate over math homework from time to time. (Am I alone here?)
So, if you go by the rudimentary set of rules there should really be minimal problems right? (*insert full belly laugh here) Are you phucking kidding me bro?? I'm laughing to keep from crying right now. I spent last Friday morning volunteering as a "Kiss and Go" monitor at my daughters school, not the first time mind you, so the jackassery should not have been such a surprise. But I have to admit, I have not seen such a string of ridiculous and unsafe behavior in quite some time and what scares me more is that this happens 5 times a week. Let's examine this case by case as the rules go shall we?
The J-walk family: OK, so admit it, you have a distinct aversion to the crosswalk. There are two of them, one on each end of the street and you'll be damned if you use them. Nope. I want to teach my kid what RISK/REWARD is truly about. Remember FROGGER? Yeah, well I'm the champ. George Costanza has nothing on you. If you've ever traveled the 5 between San Diego and LA, there is a picture of this family of rule breakers on the side of the highway. (Some of you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.)
Mr. and Ms. RUSH: Hey, I get it, your clock is moving faster than everyone else's and if you don't get to your job on time, the boss is going to give you a ration of shit you just don't need today. Understandable at every angle. But hey sparky, guess what? The boss has the nanny drop their kids off at the private school across town and either has a tee time or is working from home today. Either way, you trying to drive over every other car on your way to work isn't going to make a bit of difference and you know it. SLOW DOWN.
The sun-dial family: This refers to the parents who really don't have a concept of time. Or rather they do, they just don't really give 2 phucks about it. The school says children need to be there by 0845? Well, Mr. and Mrs. Sun dial operate like Analytic philosophers... "What IS Time?" Your silly tardy slips mean nothing to me, nor does the DC truancy office. I laugh at all of you. These families have no problem with their children arriving to school routinely late. ***I understand I may get a ration of crap and explanations for this one, but I run my household with military timeliness and execution and I will put my commute from point A to point B up against anyone at said school, so you can lose me with the "I take the train, bus, no car, walking for miles through snow and rain routine."
Mr. and Ms. AMMAWRECK: Yooooooo, please watch out for these folks. Why? Why you ask? Because they will KILL you and your children. I swear on my life and all that is holy, I saw a woman take out three side mirrors on Friday without ever correcting her vehicle. She got out of the car with her kids, J-walked and didn't bat an eye. You want to talk about FOCUS!!! Whatever had her attention was in trouble; the problem is, so were we. Sweet Jesus. That was scary to watch. The poor children. "Uh Mom, what is that snapping noise on the side of the car?"
The list continues, I won't even begin to talk about how many bowls of unfinished Special K, complete with milk I saw in the back seat as children spilled out of the car. YIKES!!! What am I missing here? Is the morning routine really that hectic? I just don't quite understand why the safety of our children and ourselves for that matter is put to risk every morning enroute to school. My heart just doesn't need that much more stress before November 8th. Slow down, take a breath and save the kids. There's math homework to be done.